An Untitled Mess

Yes, this is going to be mostly a "woe is me" piece.  Deal with it, get over it or just stop reading...that simple.  My birthday was the 25th.  Yes, Christmas day.  Do you know what people usually say when they find out that's my birthday?  They usually say, "Man, that sucks" or some other variation of that same sentiment.  I usually smile and say politely that it's not so bad.  I have never been called to work on my birthday and usually the family is all here because everyone is "home for Christmas".  Then they add something like, "I bet you get screwed on presents" and I'm like, it's not about the presents man, it's about the people I care about in my life being here for me.  And that's the truth.  I couldn't care less (yes, that's the proper way to say that phrase) about presents.  Maybe as a child I would get a little upset and point out how unfair it all is to get ONE birthday/Christmas gift from some relati...

Okay, so I'm a little depressed.  Not like major in my feelings or suicidal or anything crazy like that.  Okay, so maybe it's more just "lonely" and not really "depressed", but being lonely kinda makes me depressed so...I'm kinda fighting the funk right now. So at group last night, we shared what we thought were some of our traits that others considered to be likable and unlikable.  Not an easy thing to do if you're honest with yourself.  I thought that some of my more likable traits were that I was loyal and dedicated to people.  Unlikable is that I hold people up to my own set of standards and get all up in my feelings when they are not met.  Thinking about it, even my "likable" traits could come off as being unlikable to people.  Maybe I spend too much time trying to be a good person or good friend and it pushes people away?  Or maybe I try to help too much or just get annoying by constantly wanting to talk. Case in point.  This week...

A barrage of crap that has been happening in my life: I was going to meet someone this evening after work and on my way there, I took my eyes off the road for two seconds and WHAM!  I hit the curb.  This was the outcome - I will be spending most of my morning getting new tires instead of meeting my friends at the gym. We are gearing up for Christmas at the Barnyard.  Click Here for more info.  I love hanging up Christmas lights, even though I get frustrated sometimes and curse like a sailor in front of my mom as I slam a staple gun down to the ground.  Sorry momma. Oh, and Thanksgiving just got friggin real for some of our residents: Hunt the Crystal Coast was a success, in my opinion.  Not too bad for organizing my first scavenger hunt.  I had three teams show up to play with a total of seven people.  The winners walked away with $100 in cash, a Roku, a Google Home mini and some other prizes.  It wa...

Don't think I don't care.

Where to begin...So my grandparents were in town this past week.  They arrived Thursday afternoon and left yesterday.  It's always fun to see them, even though my grandma has made it her life's mission to give me a hard time any chance she gets.  I love them to death though and I can never thank them enough for supporting me all of these years.  They were able to make it out to the Fall Festival at the farm on Saturday.  If you missed it, then you really missed out on a fun afternoon.  I was able to get the barn decorated in time with some spooky decorations and it looked really awesome.  Sadly, I was not able to get many pictures.  But the entire farm looked great, they really did a bang-up job of decorating and it seemed liked everyone had great things to say.  I mean, about 600 people showed up so I would call that a huge success. Tuesday afternoon, I got off work and tried to make my appointment only to find out that they were o...

A post without a picture.  Just wanted to type a little bit before work tonight.  All of us have earned the nick name Skippy today because none of us made it to the gym.  Technically, I was awake and ready to go, but Daniel couldn't make it because he had to be to work early and stay all day and Di Di just slept in.  So, I decided not to go solo and went out to the farm to help with the haunted barn.  It's looking great, by the way, and should be done by tomorrow evening.  Super excited about the Fall Festival out at the Barn Yard on Saturday even though I'm not able to actually make it out there.  But everyone seemed to enjoy the spooky barn last year so it's been a blast being able to set it up again this week. Went in to work last night to see Di Di and ended up chatting it up with Mike in the back room for a while.  He was an absolute trip and I'm happy I was able to keep him company and entertained for a little while.  It's nice being ...

I punched a stainless steel door tonight.  Not just a tap or a reserved hit, I really punched it.  The other guy standing there just looked at me all crazy.  Of course the door won, I didn't even dent it and for a second, I seriously thought i broke my hand.  That's how hard I punched it.  It was over an hour before it stopped throbbing.  It felt good to punch that door.  I'm glad it wasn't a person, but I had to just get it out. I'm angry.  I'm frustrated.  I'm tired.  I'm confused.  I feel like a friggin idiot.  I feel just...stupid.  Have you ever wanted something so much that it just hurt you on the inside more and more every day that you didn't have it?  Like that Ninja Turtle lunch box or that life-sized My Little Pony with the purple mane and tail?  Of course those things never caused that sort of deep longing...not really.  But what about wanting very badly to be in a relationship?  Ever exper...

 

This is so embarrassing.  So yeah, I'm kinda crushing hard right now.  It has been a very long time since I felt this way about someone.  I was able to get over the last one A.S.A.P. Rocky...well, it was easy once once the mask came off.  Dust in the wind, gone like Puerto Rico after a hurricane.  This will be so much fun because I know at least one person who will spread this around work and try and "guess" and "speculate" or, and my money is on this one, just "pick who they think it is" and start the whispering.  That's how small minded people are...I couldn't have met someone outside of work?  Oh, of COURSE not, that's not good gossip!  Anyways, back on track here.  Oh wait, there is no track...this entire post was just to see how far this will float around.  But the crush is real, and it's a private matter.  I'm not sure if the feelings are mutual and quite honestly, and this is entirely out of character for me, I'm afraid...

Gym Rat Crew Shocker, right?  I mean, how does the biggest a-hole in the county end up with friends?  Bribes, obviously.  It would be super cool to be able to say that people just think I'm a good person and gravitate towards me naturally...but that's a huge lie.  Or did I just lie about lying about being a good dude?  Hmm...we'll never know....which could possibly be another lie, because you MIGHT know.  Gah, I need to lay down. Met DI Di and Daniel the Younger (DTY) at the gym this morning.  For me and DTY (for future reference, Daniel is Daniel and I am Dan...if that ever comes up...it might...or might not) it was our third day in a row at the house of pain.  For Di Di, her official streak started today with her second day in a row.  Mamma San is at a conference all week...absences are excused but she has to make-up sessions to complete. Our gym crew went from 7 to three very quickly, which was pretty sad.  But Di Di and Mamma...

Okay, been a few days, been super busy.  Gave my shift up at work on Saturday night so I could spend the day out at the farm working with my dad.  We got a lot done and it was good to spend time with him and my mom out there.  Highlight of the day...catching two snakes, finding a nest full of baby mice, and feeding the mice to the snakes.  OMG, call PETA!  So we drop the first little mouse in with the snake, I start live streaming to Facebook and...nothing.  The snake doesn't even look like he's interested in this tasty little snack.  I'm crestfallen.  We come back about 15 minutes later and the mouse is gone.  Ah man, I missed it!  So dad puts another one in there and the same thing...nothing.  But when we come back, he's gone.  So we drop a third one in there and he attacks the little booger instantly.  Of course, I didn't have my phone out because I'm super lame.  So I missed the coolest live stream of the centur...

Super shout-out to The 252 Rocks.  You can find them on Facebook (I'm a member).  People paint these stones and then hide them all over the county.  When you find one, you relocate it, but not without taking a picture of it first of course.  It's pretty neat seeing how enthusiastic people are about not only finding these things but also painting them.  I found this rock just sitting amongst the Halloween stuff at Lowe's today.  I didn't move it but I did take a picture.  This has become a miniature phenomenon around here and it's pretty fun to just stumble across these things. A rather busy day for me today.  Met Di-Di at the gym this morning for a quick little workout.  I was surprised at how sore I actually was from my solo workout yesterday.  That's a good sign.  I shot home and decided to do some cleaning up for mom.  It kinda backfired because she got back from the farm kind of early and it was not as big of a surprise ...

Surprised?  Well, you shouldn't be.  I have not been happy for some time now...well, many years that is.  I've had my moments of happiness.  Short, wonderful bursts that crash into my heart and overwhelm me with love and contentment.  But those were temporary, like everything in this world is.  Those moments were quickly replaced with pain and hurt.  Shattered, sadly, by the ones that were the source of that fleeting happiness. I'm coming up on a big anniversary...in exactly 16 days.  The feelings I have are mixed.  Everyone that knows what that day means will expect me to be, and encourage me to be, happy.  But some days, most days, I feel worse than I did a year ago.  I want to be happy so that everyone else will be happy that I'm happy.  Wait...Who's on first?  As this day approaches, I know that I won't be anywhere close to happy.  There were a few days last week where I almost gave up...gave up on everything....

It's been an insanely busy week for me.  My work schedule changed and that threw me completely off.  Instead of working only one morning shift this week, I had three in a row.  Don't get me wrong, I love working prep in the mornings...I just don't love waking up to get there on time. So I basically did nothing on my day off on Tuesday. Well, not "nothing", but definitely not what I wanted to get done.  I have not sewn in almost a week...no bueno.  I did a fresh re-install of my OS, which I felt just needed to be done to get the junk off it.  Honestly, there wasn't much "junk" on there, just my OCD kicked into gear and I just had to do it.  Hit the gym with the crew again Tuesday morning.  We had a big group, seven of us there.  So we hit the back exercise room, cranked up the tunes, and played dice.  I thought it was fun...I did both team's exercises so I got a good workout in.  Basically each team rolled dice for the other team's...

Just got back from the gym and decided to get my peach smoothie on.  Met Princess D, Momma-D, The Progeny, and Mini-Me this morning for a quick work-out.  We really need a nick name...I'll work on that.  They wanted to do legs today, so we did a half round of cards - lunges, squats, calves and step-ups back in the group exercise room.  I thought about going out back-back to the jungle but it was even too humid and miserable for me.  We still got a pretty good sweat on because the air back in the group room wasn't exactly working.  It was a goofy, fun time.  I hope we can get a few more to come so that we can play some Jinga - that would be a blast. Mini-Me and I hung out for a little while longer and did some dips, pull-ups and a little upper body before the wolves got the scent of fresh blood and started to swarm.  Thankfully, we had a game plan and Mini-Me stuck to the script like a pro.  We bought him 24 hours to think about if he real...

Spring 2004 - Washington Monument Not much has been going on, just little busy things.  I know it's been nearly a week since my last post.  Motivation level has not been too high lately.  Honestly, I've been super stressed and the sad part is that the stress is a direct result of other people's actions and not really anything that I did myself. Therapy and group has actually helped me so much the last few weeks.  Sometimes I feel like I have no one I can talk to who really understands my situation and where I'm coming from and who will listen without judging me.  I get that at group and it's been a godsend lately.  I bet you're probably thinking, "What kind of a person admits to going to therapy?"  Hey, whatever.  There are more important things in life than worrying about what someone else thinks about you and trying to keep your pride and this imaginary "perfect image" for everyone.  We all need help and we all need someone to talk to...

So, since I do not have a concealed carry permit, and since North Carolina is an open carry state where anyone can carry a gun as long as it is not concealed, I decided that my next project would be a sleeveless shirt so that my guns could be in plain view and I could comply with the law...welcome to the gun show! That's right, it's another Selfie Sunday and since I just finished up this tank, I figured I would show it off a little bit.  This thing is soooo comfortable and I'm loathe to sell it because I love it so much.  Jersey knit fabric is very soft and stretchy and just amazing to wear.  It makes the best t-shirts.  This was a really simple pattern to sew but it took me a little bit of time because it was my first attempt.  Now that I know how things go together, I'm sure I can get these out in an hour or two. Josh is on his way back to Tennessee today.  He stopped by the house for breakfast this morning and to say goodbye.  Hopefully he has a...

It's been a crazy week for me.  I've been meaning to write, and I've had several things I wanted to post about, but I've not gotten the time to do it.  Hopefully I can get a lot of it in tonight before I pass out. My brother came into town on Tuesday from Tennessee.  It's been pretty awesome to see him and spend some time with him this week.  Our family has our condo on the beach through the end of the week so he's set up camp out there.  I've been out to chill with him a few days and just relax and walk the beach.  It's been really nice.  It's amazing how much that place has changed since the last time I was out there in 2007.  A few of the buildings were condemned a couple of years ago and have since been torn down.  The entire place looks unrecognizable and the impact that just those few buildings had is noticeable.  It's hard to believe that they had so many units in such a small area.  We have spent every summer out there sin...

Well, should I call it a milestone?  Do I get a gold star to post on this ting?  Ooh!  I know!  I can print this photo out and hang it up on my mom's fridge.  I know she will be proud.  What exactly is it that I'm celebrating?  Why, I've hit 1,000 views on this small, humble little blog.  Yes indeedy.  One.  Thousand. I know what you're thinking.  Why in the world would anyone visit this blog, and not just one time by accident.  Like, multiple times over a few months.  Honestly, I don't know.  It's just an over-hyped journal with no real literary merit and nothing to offer the poor sap that reads it.  But take a look at the screen shot I posted and let me point out some pretty cool stuff. First off, seven other countries are represented besides the United States.  The most views coming from Germany with 62.  Yes, I can hear you screaming, "But that doesn't mean anything!  Someone could be using...

It's another Throw Back Thursday, and I plugged in the old hard drive to dig through some old stuff.  I use to have a blog in college and even though I did not write all that much on it, the things I did record I cherish.  I honestly do not remember some of the stuff I did but there is a written history of it, and I think that's pretty cool...a little scary, but really cool too. Nothing much happened today.  I hit the gym later in the afternoon to blow off some steam and then on to work where it really wasn't all that busy.  Still working on a few sewing projects and I really need to get my other pair of gym pants finished.  I spoke with DAB briefly tonight but I really want to get this post up and then get to bed.  He is up in Pennsylvania for the next few weeks visiting family.  He did not seem very happy with me when I told him I couldn't talk.  Story of my life...just seems like all my friends are mad at me these days. Enjoy the throwback ...

Yo, it's a What Up Wednesday! So what does a crappy day call for?  The beach, duh!  Had to check out the sunset today.  Talk about washing away all my stress and worries.  Things are just right when I get out here, breathe in that crisp, salty air and dig my toes into the warm sand.  I don't even get into the water...well, I'm physically unable to get into the water, but that doesn't matter.  Just being there, soaking in those vibes, feeling the waves pull and tug at me from the shore...heaven.  Getting dookied on by a sea gull couldn't even spoil a beach trip for me, I'm just that locked in. Today I told one of my managers that I was searching for a new job.  The entire restaurant probably knows by now, and I really don't give a crap.  I knew full well that saying anything to anyone would mean that it would spread like wildfire, which is just another reason why I need to leave that place.  I also asked if she could put me on mo...

That's been my motivation today.  Never settle for just okay.  I've been saying to my family for months that I needed to find something better than the job I currently have.  I've been dragging my feet on it.  I have been settling on what I have, because it's safe and comfortable.  Nope, no more. I've put in three applications so far today and I feel really good about all three of them.  I'm highly qualified for these positions and I'm a good fit for them.  I have a few more that I need to stop at before the day is out.  I'm not satisfied with just okay.  I'm not satisfied with just being where I'm at.  This job has nothing to do with my goals in life except for a pay check.  I'm grateful for the chance to work, but I can only take so much of being stuck in a rut. In all honesty, though finally being motivated to do better with my life is a big reason for my current job search, another aspect is that where I'm at now is a toxic ...

Step one: Tell them the truth. That's it, that's a comprehensive guide to pissing people off.  Tell them the truth.  Never thought it was so simple, eh?  No need to hatch a master plan or set up a series of triggering events.  You don't even have to get on the Facey Book thing and post a comment, unless that comment is the truth, then that might work.  Come on, it makes perfect sense. For instance, have you ever told a mother that her precious little angel is actually the devil incarnate?  That kid could be pure evil, a little terrorist in the making and it would absolutely just piss the mother off.  There's no WAY that little Johnny would ever hurt a fly.  Yeah, but he was trying to set my cat on fire.  Oh, he was just expressing himself.  No, he shot me the bird and told me to die as he was chasing me with a pair of scissors.  Your child needs to be evaluated.  If you've never been in a situation like that, then lucky for...

It's Sunday and I know I've not posted lately.  I'm instituting some changes, putting some lines back down, trying to get off this path I'm on.  It's a dead end so honestly, what's the point?  I'm missing out on life just sitting here waiting on the sidelines so...change.  How am I going to do that, what am I going to change?  I have no idea and if I'm honest with myself, I don't really want to do it.  I don't want to change anything.  But like all progress in life, it's not going to be easy or comfortable or enjoyable.  It's just necessary. The first thing I need to do is institute some boundaries between me and a few people.  I've allowed myself to get drawn into things that I wasn't really comfortable with and now I sort of feel trapped.  When you start erasing the lines you set for yourself, it's an uphill battle to gain that ground back.  Feelings are going to get hurt, but it just has to be done.  If these people are f...

Wednesdays are stressful for me.  It's hard to explain, because it's not like a high blood pressure, seeing red type of stress.  It does not make me angry or sad or suicidal...it's just stressful.  This does not make a lick of sense, I know, but that's the best way I can think to explain it at the moment. Last night I was up way too late, but I was happy to do it.  A friend needed to talk so I burned the midnight oil well into the wee early hours of the morning.  It's just what you do, no questions, no complaints.  That made getting up to open prep this morning at work a little difficult.  I was like the Walking Dead this morning.  The snooze button was hit several times and I was nearly late.  In fact, I ran out the door without a few things I needed to have with me.  But not the coffee...I can never forget the coffee.  I will be five minutes down the road, realize that I forgot my coffee, turn my tail around to get it and deal w...

Lowspeed and Me - Lancer Initiation Party sp2005 *Just a heads up, I kinda drop an "F" bomb at the end of this post...sorry* Got a text at work today from Alex, who also goes by Lowspeed, Scope, and Sally (in no particular order).  He was picked up today for Major.  He commissioned into the Air Force in 2008 as a Second Lieutenant, or a Butter Bar as we use to call it.  Congrats bro, I'm super proud of you. Lowspeed and I go way back, like Cadillac seats.  He was in my first flight as a ROTC cadet, along with my roomie Obie.  We all became very tight that semester, fall of 2004.  Romeo Flight. In the spring of 2005, we pledged for Arnold Air Society together.  We go through hell together as pledges, pushing our mental and physical capacities to excel at everything we try to do.  It just so happens that Lowspeed and I are in the same major in school, so we just click.  We start having classes together, we go through training together...

Meet Obadiah Last night at work, I get a text from my parents: "Baby alpaca is here!"  Well, I just had to get up this morning and go see him.  He's just the cutest little thing ever. I sent Bumpers a text and gave her the news: "I'm a daddy!"  Her reply, "A daddy to what?"  Me, "To a baby, duh."  Her, "A baby, baby?"  Haha, I thought all babies were babies.  Learn something new every day. I spent a little while out there this morning and wasn't really able to get too close to him.  Both his momma and the other female were pretty wary about my presence and kept him at a safe distance.  I was able to get some good photos, albeit from a distance.  The ones I have posted now are from my cell phone so please forgive the shoddy quality.  Proper photos will soon follow and I'm sure my parents will have them up on Facebook, Twitter and on the Barnyard website. Just before I left the farm, Laura called me.  I was so th...